If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
