Tell her she can't have a vagina
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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