pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
