You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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