yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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