I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
