btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
