the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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