When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
