Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
