Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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