yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
