the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
