I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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