I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
