grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
