Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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