Im at strip club and am horny
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
