Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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