My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
