The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
