The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
