Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
