feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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