It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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