HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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