It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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