After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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