i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Randomize
