I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
