fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
