i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
