I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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