Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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