we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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