Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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