I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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