if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
