if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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