remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
