I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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