Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
