Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
