She is in my trunk
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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