between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
