is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my being single is dangerous.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
