i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up under a house in Key West
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
