Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
