is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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