Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
