Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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