I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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