Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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