Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
