She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
