What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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