I cannot find my penis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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